Uriah
2008-05-27 12:13 a.m.

This is hard - The pain is till so new... it splits my insides into small parts.
...........................
Our last meeting, a week ago

I walk to his house, with pixies on my headphones. I try to calm myself down, since by default i cannot breath. I try to recognize the palm tree which marks his house, but get confused and call him. I hear his deep voice on the phone. I walk up the stairs, he stands there with the door open, the usual forlorn look on his face. usual? usual?!? this is the 3'rd time i see him. I touch his hand, not sure what kind of physical contact should initiate this meeting, but he touches my back and without certainty brings my lips to his, a modest kiss which makes my heart explode with colors, and anger, and happiness. There is some small chit chat, not sure exactly what about, my mind is gone. I walk around neurotically in the room, he states "you're nervous".I keep on mumbling, and he does so too, but less neurotically.
He's watching a TV show, so i sit down on his bed, and we sit hugged and watch the TV show, everything is very normal. normal? normal!?!?!?
We laugh a bit, and i melt from his touch. After a while i calm down, and the TV obviously becomes a bit boring, so we turn it off, and we both lye on the bed, my head as close as can be to his, and i watch his eyes, and i imagine or maybe not, a glossy cover of h2o. It's obvious he is suffering.

"You don't need to fake it, you know"

"hmmmmm. to fake what?" ( he plays dumb, he understands, but maybe does not believe that i understand )

"being happy. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay"

(some more glossiness?)
(some silence)
"I used to be better at faking. but why is it okay?"

"since i like you also like this. This is what i'm here for......"

(silence, we look into each others eyes for a long while)

"i suffer so much".

(silence)

"now i shouldn't fake as well....you know, i've had horrible time lately... i was crying all the time" (me, the glossiness at my eyes now)

"why?"

"because of u"

"why did you cry because of me"

"because i thought you weren't interested"

silence. we looks into each others eyes. I'm emotionally exhausted, and obviously he is too.

I continue
"i really wasn't functioning. i was completely obsessed. i probably shouldn't be saying this to you"

" why shouldn't you be saying this to me? "

" because, when one sides wants to much, it makes the other side back away... you know how it is...."

the same thing, every word uttered is cramped with so much gravity, it makes the world smaller.

after a few minutes, of eternal joy and sadness

"you know i have been crying about you as well"

me, half shocked, half not !!
"what possible reasons could i have given to you cry about????!!!"

silence.

some more silence

me " are you afraid it WILL work out, or afraid it WON'T work out?"

"that it WILL work out. but fear isn't the right word. more like panic, dread"

silence

"you know, i had an attack the other day....... i started smelling things"
"what did you smell?"
"the nylon bags with the ninga turtles which i used to take my sandwiches to school in when i was in 1'st grade.... I went to the proffessor yesterday... he gave me a shot to calm me down."

We talk a bit about his hallucinations. Then he tells me how he talked with the proffessor about me. i ask what did he tell the proffessor. he said that something good is happening. he said that his best friend told him to tell me that he had an attack.
at this point, i'm melting inside, but confused. So where is all this going too?

"so if you were intereseted, why did you disappear?" ( me ).

"I become pretty egoistic when i get my attacks.... i don't want people around me......"

"That's a problem. You can be depressed, that's fine by me, but if you're not mine...."

"I know, I know it doesn't work like this"

him again "you're ruining all my plans, you're too good for me"
now probably a full fledged tear runs down my cheeks. but maybe not. The conversation slugs on forward along these lines for another 30 minutes. So what is the conclusion? that we can't be together?
An obvious conclusion is avoided at this point. I'm still utterly joyous at the fact that he likes me, that he cried about me. But inside of me the demon of reality is whispering, "but what now? but what now?"

But i avoid it. I say i'm hungry, we order a pizza, i tell him a few stories about my life, we watch a funny show on TV, I show him a funny clip on youtube, another 2 hours, i pee, i'm emotionally exhausted, and claustrophobic, and happy. He starts being less comunicative while watching TV, i feel i'm losing him again, after another 30 minutes, i turn off the TV, and we lie on the bed, it's late now, we've been together for 5 hours, mostly hugged, and we lie next to each other, again faces so close, and i keep on thinking about how i shouldn't raise now the metaphor of Aristophanes regarding uniting the two parts to a whole, to symbolize love, how that's too much love for him. So i'm quiet, and i just move my hand around his back, slowly. After a while he says, with so much lack of emotion
it's scary "it tickles". Deep inside my subconscious already understands at this point, but i procrastinate the full acknowledgement of the severity of reality.
But he does not allow the lingering for much longer. After a long silence, he says, I don't want you to spend the night here.

An atomic bomb which falls straight on my heart.

I get up, my adrenalin shoots up, i delay the breaking apart for 10 seconds, 20 seconds, i put all the stuff in my bag, 30 seconds, 60 seconds, so much anger, and softness, and painful explosions inside, i can't think, i can't deal, i can't believe he is telling me to go at 4 in the morning, i can't believe that this is it, i can't handle this, i can't handle this, and he is watching me all the time, and he understands, and i understands that he understands, and he is so fucked up, and this is so fucked up, and i sit down on his bed after arranging my stuff, and i cry into his arms, and i cry and i cry, and i break down and i cry some more, and we kiss, and i cry, and he sheds a few tears, and nothing is said, and i mumble to myself, and my world is crumbling down, and i cry, and he sheds a tear, with that forlorn look of suffering in his eyes, and i cry, and i can't look at him, but i look at him, a and i cry and he sheds a tear, and i cry, and i cry, and i kiss him, and he kiss me, and here the soft kisses become tongue kisses, and my dick is becoming erect, but no, this can't go on, and i cry and i cry and i cry and i cry.

I ask him not to kill himself anytime soon. and i cry and i cry and i cry.

and he says" answer my phone calls"
and i say " why should you call? don't call."
and he says? "why?"
and i say " because i also need mental health"

And slowly, the 2 of us, huddled, move toward the door, and i am standing on the doorway, and i cry and we kiss, and i mumble something about how at least this breakup is poetic and artistic, gives us something to remember, and about how art is important. and we kiss, and i tell him to tell me to leave
cause i don't want to be the who leaves, but he doesn't, and i tell him again, but he doesn't, and we part with such a sad hand brush, that
no words can describe.

And i walk out of his house, and i spit at the ground, and i find a taxi, and i cry. and i feel sorry for myself, and i cry.

and when i get home, i send him an email. here it is

"just to make sure some things were passed correctly to you in that dramatic finishing scene

1) i meant it seriously, even though i mumbled it, that if you think in the future, near (tomorrow) or far ( 2 years) that maybe you were wrong, or maybe things with you will get better, and you honestly believe that there's a chance you'll be able to be with me, let me know. you don't have to be completely positive, if you even have a thought about it, ring me up, worst case it doesn't work out again. not that there's any promises i will follow suit, i might decide it not wise for me, or i might already be incredibly in love with sexy_guy_atraf_24, but hell, most chances i'll be there for another shot.

2) i meant it seriously, that i would be happy if you didnt kill yourself in the very near future, from totally egoistic reasons. i won't even attempt to reason with you that suicide isn't the best option, from the same reasons i didn't seriously try to lenahem otcha. it's bigger than me... but what are another 2-3 weeks, death awaits us all at the end anyway.

other than that - i'm deleting you from facebook, messenger, and the such.
will be keeping you on the cell phone for a while, and anyway, whenever you call, in the near future or far, i will answer.

love,
dan.
"

and i cry.
................................................
This is hard. The pain..... is still. I'm sure that i didn't describe it correctly, and that's a shame, since every single word uttered seems to me now like the most meaningful word in my life. But the pain is so strong, that already the suppression subconscious techniques are working overtime, and that's what i remember, and probably the general feel of things is correct.

Relatively short summary of what happened before the 3'rd "date" described above :
...................
We talk on the internet. He seems nice. Really nice. He says he is a mental case. That too, appeals to me, for some reason. I ask my friends if i should date a mental case.... they say i should give it a shot. For the first time in a long while, i feel optimistic, sincerely optimistic, before meeting him.
...................
He offers that i come to his house. I find his house. The first date is nice. We talk for 2 hours, and i like him, though still not sure if i'm attracted to him. After the recent trauma of being disappointed in Matan, i try to hold my feelings back. We hug, i tell him how i feel like i know him. He tells me about the times he tried to kill himself, which seems interesting to me, but despite all my efforts, scares me a bit. He tells me about the prescription drug "parties" that he does with his best friend, and when making out i see some marks on his body, which he says are from one of the "attempts". I shudder slightly at the thought of him lying in his puke in the corner of some room, but still. I'm with him. I like him. He is nice, intelligent, funny, and soft. He has a good taste in music, movies and books. And when i look into his eyes... there's something special there.
I tell him i don't want to stay the night, because i like him, and i want to give it a chance
After the first date i don't skyrocket, but am calmly happy.
.....................
Between the 2 dates
He is enthusiastic. He sends me text messages every day. I even think he might want to much.
.....................
Second date.
After the "no sex policy" of the first date, when i come to his house no the second date, we make out for a long time. and we talk and make out, with clothes, without clothes, intermittengly. It is strange, since i don't really know how to attack this front -
I actually am not really horny - i'm too excited about how much i like him, and about how much i might blow it, that i don't care about the sex.
It's a bit akward. When i see his body, and his cock, and when he says he is usually active - that's the point where i fall in love. Since this is what i want, i want to be with this guy, today, tomorrow.... But i fear i will blow it. I don't have a hardon big part of the time. It's strange. I'm afraid he will think i'm not attracted to him. Finally, after 5-6 hours of delaying, he comes on my chest.

turning point in our relationship seems to be happening here.

We talk again about his mental illness, and how how hard it is all for him.
He takes his pills.
Then he falls asleep, after the pretty sad talk we have, and i'm worried about my penis.
He doesn't hug me in is sleep, and he turns his back to me most of the night. I can't sleep - the depressive music from the computer, the talk about his mental illness, the penis, the fact that he is with his back to me, the thought that i might have blown it, i can't sleep i can't sleep i'm losing my mind i get up to turn off the music, i can't sleep, he keeps turning his back to me, that's it i've blown it.
This goes on for a good few hours, finally he wakes up.
.......................
morning time.
He doesn't talk to me.
He is obviously tired and not in a good mood. I try to be happy myself, thinking it will stick to him, but of no use. Looking back i probably was just plain annoying to him. But how could i know? I look at him when he takes his pills, and he drops them to the floor.
He shows total lack of emotion. I feel.... not good. ominous clouds. Finally after a long while, we both leave the house, and i feel like i've screwed it up. I wanted too much, and now he doesn't want, and i've blown it.
i cry. i tell all my friends how i'm scared shit that he will dump me, and scared shit because if not, his mental illness if obviously... scary.
....................
obsession starts. i can't sleep. i can't breath. i have to know. does he want? does he not want? i connect to the internet, i check facebook. every Phone message might be from him, but a full day and i hear nothing, and then another half day, and i lose my mind, i can't breath, i can't breath, i can't do anything, i can't breath. I decide fuck it i'll ask him if he wants to meet. He answers back not today, maybe tomorrow or in 2 days. I flip. He doesn't want. if he doesn't want, i have to know, i'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing my mind. I'm losing my mind.
I call him - "should i interpret the fact that you don't want to meet today as lack of interest?" he shows a bit of annoyance in his voice, and surprise, he even mumbles something of the sort of " on the contrary ". We say we will meet
the the day after. or some sort of mumble.
MISTAKE!
now it's for sure - i'm convinced that i ruined it by calling, what a silly little girl i am, such a mistake, and i'm so angry at myself, and i'm so miserable, and i'm sure he doesn't want now, and i dont' believe him when he says he wants, and i check my email, and i check my messenger, and i check my cell phone, and i check
my facebook, and i check atraf, and i check my email, and i check my messenger, and i check atraf.
and i check my email.
and i check my messen
.......................
and i cry.
one more day , i hear nothing of him.
I have no use in life as it is. I'm a vegetable, which can only do one thing, think about him, and be miserable.
....................
one more day, no word of him.
again , i send him a message.
he replies that he got run over by his dad.
ouch.
i don't know if it's serious or not.
a few text messages, and still i'm convinced i've blown it.
and on the other hand.. maybe?
maybe he is in a hospital, and i'm being the silly little girl again?
and i cry, and i can't breath, and i can't breath, and i can't breath.
...................
another day no word of him
...................
another day no word of him, i call him.
He says he is in pain, with pain killers, and is depressed, from his life, and i ask from what in his life, and he says my social status, my economical status, my mental status. And i fight myself and don't ask - "and what about the romantic status?".
Short phone call. And this is it. for sure he's not interested. but i decide to lay back on contacting him, ( not on the obsession ).
....................
another day no word of him
....................
another day no word of him
,..................
i try to call him again. i'm disfunctional. i have to end it. i don't care anymore. just fucking break up with me. You don't like me,
i screwed up the sex. tragic as hell, will make me cry for ages, but comeon, just tell me. I cry all the time. i check my email, i ch.......
he doesn't answer but texts he will call later, he is with a friend now.
He calls, he starts by apoligizing for disappearing.
That makes me melt. We talk for an hour. Again, ominous clouds in the air, his mental state is the main conversation roller. But i'm happy - he seems to like me?
Toward the end of conversation i say a stupid " i'm happy that we talked, cause i didn't know where this was going..."
he says "i'm happy you're happy that we talked."
...................
That's it. Hell, mass hysteria and everything, i don't need it spelled out in clearer words.
I decide i won't contact him anymore... if he wants, which he doesn't.....
one day, no word
...................
another day , no word.
...................
another day , no word, and i decide that if he doesn't contact by midnight, i will send an email that finishes it.
and hey, all for the best right? he's s nut case right? How can this be good right? But it kills me, and death seems appealing, and thought such as " the first guy ever that i liked ( which wasn't noam ) , and i blew it " scare me so much, that ..... words cannot express the pain.
..................
but he texts me

"how are you?"

"okay. just entering a test. and u?"
he doesn't answer
"you didnt' answer, did you get my last message?"

"a bit of this and a bit of that"

"well i lied, i'm not doing any better. Hey man, let me come over."

"come! when?"

i come over to his place.
.........................