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entry which strangely backlashed. trying to keep my face from turning into a tomato, when my father asks me if i've seen the TV show "queer as folk", and when he starts asking my if i know any gay kids. i think about answering "yeah, i watched all the episodes of that show, and yeah, i might know a CERTAIN possibly gay kid (with a wink)", but within a few seconds i decided "no i've never heard about that show" is a much better choice. trying even harder to keep my face from bursting into flames, and from HYSTERICALLY laughing, when my father asks me if my friend dor is gay. "no". "how do you know he isn't gay?". now a possible answer that flipped through my mind was "cause if he was i wouldn't still be a virgin","cause i'm madly in love with him" or any one of thousands of possible witty surprising answers which flipped through my mind. "he's my friend, i should know". HAHAHAHAHHA ................................................. he probably woke up one night and saw me watching "queer as folk" without me noticing. or maybe he somehow found about this diary. well if you're reading this : FUCK YOU! don't you have any respect for your son's privacy?!?!?!?!?!? or maybe not. i don't give a rats ass. my parents probably couldn't be happier if i eventually turn out to be gay. fucking liberals! (actually that IS good, fuck me) but the last thing i want is to talk about it with them, actually the last thing i want is to talk EVER with them. anyway i just DON'T need to see the petronizing/admiring/amused/embarasssed look i know my father will give me if i tell him. maybe even thinking "my son has the courage to become what i was afraid of becoming". ARGGH FUCK YOU. please leave me alone. maybe at age 25, when i'm out of this home, when i'm a less fucked up person, maybe then i'd love you completely, and i wouldn't see all the INCREDIBLY annoying (infuriating) things about you 2, and we might have a good relationship. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE NOW. ............................................... the day at haifa with dor was nice. (i didn't come home depressed/frustrated/crying). we arrived there at 22:00 (i was driving), and we went to this before-army party of a girl he knows who i saw for the first time in my life. i am so unstable. i'm so unstable, cause i was confident with all the strange people i didn't know, and i didn't have a problem talking to them, and i wasn't intimtated even one bit. i'm so weird. i used to be shy. i'm not though. i'm just quiet mostly. and then we slept at dor's place, and i had this before sleep philosophical talk with dor's friend shani, and today we drove back to tel aviv. and that's the end of it. .................................................. actually i haven't cried in ages. i miss that. i wish i was more of a crier, instead of the aching depression feelings in my heart. i just can't though. .................................................. the big test is coming up, just 1 more day. yay. can you feel the tension rising in my heart, can you feel my agitated leg? that's not necessarily a bad thing though. i'm good at tests. .............................................. okay this entry made me feel sucky, BYE! "entry which strangely backlashed" |