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perfect day? fucking incredible. yep. one thing that can surely be deduced from it all is that the hard way is always the sweetest way. and vice versa. ................................................. remember how i said that i haven't cried in ages? well i guess i got what i wanted :) .............................................. so i had the test yep. the test was supposed to begin at 09:30. i was supposed to be at 09:00 at the location of the test, a place which can be reached from my house in not more than 10 minutes when there's no traffic. so i told myself : "okay, i'll leave my house at 08:10, and get to the fucking place at 08:30 tops, way before time so i'll have no pressure on me.". and that's what i did. but then after driving a few minutes i came to a conclusion i don't have my wallet with me, and my wallet has my id card, and i need my id card to do the test. so i called my mom at 08:20 and told her to wait for me at the sidewalk and bring me my wallet. so everything was still okay, and i started driving again towards the place, and BOOM, a traffic jam the size of arizona. so at 08:30 i was saying to myself : "no problem, i'll get there at 08:50, everythings okay". 08:50. still in the same place, having moved about 2 meters in twenty minutes. calling up friend shira telling her to tell me a joke or something. telling her i'm not sure i'll make the test, but not believing it. 09:10. mood swings - optimistic, worried, frantic, HYSTERICAL. still in traffic jam. looking at cars besides me, in every car a frustrated man is stuck, and there's nothing i can fucking do. THERE'S NO FUCKING THING I CAN FUCKING DO!! I SEE THE MINUTES GO BY, ONE BY ONE, AND I'M NOT MAKING THE FUCKING TEST, AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO, AND I AM JUST WASTING THE WHOLE DAMN MONTH AND HALF I SPENT STUDYING FOR THIS TEST, AND THE 300 DOLLARS I SPENT ON THE STUPID PSYCHOMETRIC COURSE, AND FUCK IT, AND I'M FUCKING SCREWED. AHHHHHHH. and i started seeing in my head what kind of entry i'd write as soon as i'd get home, how i'm sooo on the verge of losing my mind. insanity. but still i had this slight hope that i'd make the test, so i told myself "hang on there, you can't lose control, cause then you'd make it on time for the test but you'd be in no condition to do it, and that would suck. this is a challenge". and i was literally playing all my cards : i was rubbing my lucky spider-doll charm, i was even fucking praying to god (well yeah silly but hell you can't blame a man for trying.... ). i didn't care about how'd i'd do in the test anymore. i just wanted to FUCKING do it. i needed to talk to someone. i thought about calling dor, but came to a conclusion it wouldn't be a wise idea. so i called my sister. and she said hello, and i was "shit shit shit", and she said "what happened" and bam, i start crying hysterically, not being able to get a single word out of my mouth. like a little fucking baby. and she tried to comfort me, and i was crying, and meanwhile moving inches with my car, and it was 09:15. SUDDENLY, the traffic becomes less jammed, and i actually start driving : first 10 kilometers per hour, then twenty, and more and more, and suddenly i'm fucking driving above the speed limit. "i don't believe. i might make it." and i get to the place, and i park in a no-parking spot not giving a fuck, and i run to the building in which the test was being held, and it's 09:25, and i'm making it. i'm fucking making it. and i have sore eyes from crying, but i'm fucking making it. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. and i did the 4 hour test, and i think it went good, and another chapter in my life has come to an end. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. and i didn't even have the mental energy to concentrate on the self destructiveness which i feared would make me falter and throw up or faint or whatever during the test. sweet. ................................................. i have one irrational worry though. and i'm obsessed about it, eventhough i shouldn't be, and that's the reason i'm not gonna talk about it. cause what i fear is just not very likely, not likely at all, and i'm just being paranoid, and there's no use thinking about it. the brain can always find the right way to make unreasonable things seem reasonable. and maybe it's the other way around? FUCK IT. it'll be okay, don't be stupid. .................................................. ................................................. i'm going camping tommarow morning with nir and shira. hold your fingers for me, so i'll have fun. ................................................. quote of the day : "Oh, it's such a perfect day" well let's not exaggerate, k? |