why can't my dreams be my saviour?
2002-02-20 1:40 p.m.

when i go to sleep i want to dream of myself sitting on great fields of grass, with the sun in my eyes and colorful flowers all around me.

8 hours of that everyday and i won't care what happens in real life.

BUT

my dreams are even more emotionally exhausting than my real life. and that is hard to beat these days.

i dream of tantrums. of getting angry. of people getting angry at me. of throwing plates out of rage, breaking glass windows.

i dream of the army. i dream of enlisting. i dream of the first day. of getting yelled at by my commander. of forgetting orders. of panic. of green uniforms.

i dream of sex. i dream of penises (alot of them every night). of a whole crowd wearing nothing but t-shirts. i dream of guys giving girls oral sex. i dream of myself comparing penis sizes.

i dream of self incompetence. of forgetting important things and fucking up and hating my self. i dream of self hatred.

i dream of being chased. all my life i have always been having dream of being chased. by bad mean people.

i sometimes dream half dreams of love. of having some boy smile at me with his eyes.

!@#$^&&*R&#&#&$$%^*$%$%^*$%^*$%^@&*##%&&%#

and i wake up tired. i wake up with half tears in my eyes, or with a hardon+wet boxers or with just a feeling of sadness.

it's an even more dramatic version of my real life. as if someone's making a little parody of my life for his own amusement.

i fear that someone is my subconcious.

i fear that that someone is taking the joy of sleep away from me.

!@#$%$%^GFJEAWTMRYUI$*#^

i'm flying to london on saturday. i'm not half as excited about it as i should be. i'm scared.