hooray. 12 more days and i go to the gay unit. weeeeeee.
2002-03-26 2:32 a.m.

i figured out the problem. the problem is i have too much time. time time time time time. i have too much time and nothing to do and then my brain wanders off to places which it just shouldn't. out of boredom. so it goes to far off lands called jealousy and frustration and self pity and acceptence and sometimes some joyfullness but then back to jealousy land.

see now that all my friends are all gone........ well that's not precise but who cares.

it's 2 a.m. and i already slept 4 hours in the evening and no ways of killing time seem appealing now. i've played the computer far too much. addictions aren't fun. i don't feel like reading a book. i don't feel like playing the guitar. i don't feel like going to gay chatrooms. i don't feel like watching a movie. i don't feel like eating. i don't feel like hearing music. i feel like sleeping away for another 12 days but my body seems to wake up for some reason.

so here i am. i rented magnolia on videotape and the last thing i feel like is watching it but hey i don't really have much choice now but to stare at a screen projecting light beams at my dead eyes. if it's a boring movie i'll commit suicide. what with watching one horrendous movie already today*.

*went with nir to the theater with the half price soldier tickets he gets and the only movies being shown were the arnold schwarzenegger movie "the terrorist attack wasn't personal, but his revenge will be" and "the musketeer : all for one and one for all" .

so musketeer it was and ofcourse it's the WORST movie since.... ever. but hey faking laughter at the not funny things and shouting "ole" during the obsurd fight scenes and getting the whole almost empty theater to clap hands after the stunt bits is pretttty fun. and everytime some horse would do something such as fall we would say "and the oscar goes to....!" and then imagine how the horse will get the oscar and fake the fall again on stage after getting the statue and everyone will clap hands and the horse will be famous forever.

disregarding the fact that the director of the movie should be shot for the sake of humanity. and also the actor. god he was bad. everything about it was bad.

so what i was saying was that things will improve once i get to the army. cause then my mind wouldn't be able to think because it wouldn't have time to do so. and whilst as erin said, thoughts are one of the better things of our human race, but they are also one of the worst and can lead to madness and i feel madness creeping at the back of my skull already. too much.

i tried a few days ago to lye down in the same place without moving and without closing my eyes for an hour and a half. i tried. i was allowed to move my eyes and stare at whatever i wanted and think of whatever i wanted and even blink, but i was not allowed to sleep nor get up.

i just couldn't do it. 45 minutes gone and i snapped. i just couldn't do it. i suck.

in the army i won't have time to think i won't even have time to piss.

i could go on like this for hours but if i write too much no-one would read it, right? well I will dan don't worry.

yesterday i was insane from jealousy cause that cute guy shimon had a great date and he's probably gonna have a boyfriend and it's not fair. why why why why can't he like ME? am i not funny enough? not beautiful enough? not gay enough? not talkative enough? what what what what tell me so i can know. and it's not fair because he was always crying how he's looking for love and not finding it and i told him don't worry i know we'll find love eventually and he said he gives up. and now he has a great date and i'm here infront of my computer. such a whiny bitch ain't i? so what is the lesson from all this? that the optimists are screwed and the pessimists are the one who get the prize? no that's not the lesson there is no lesson. except how jealousy is a bad thing and how i'm an idiot. remember that kids. remember that.

and all because he had one good date.

and the reason he had one and i didn't was because he spent his time doing the tedious work in gay chatrooms and i spend my times watching magnolia video tapes. cause i'm a lazy bitch and i hate the gay chatrooms and i hate making online conversation and i hate exchanging photographes of one another. maybe if i had a better one of myself it wouldn't matter. cause nothing makes me wanna die more than " you're cute but not my type ". bad pictures go to hell.

i would put some pictures here but i don't know which site i can upload them unto so i can put a link here so if anyone has an idea ..............

you're such a good chat partner, diary. yes you are. yes you are. yes you are sweet one.

did i mention .... no i didn't. i didn't mention how someone called me a few days ago a "cynical arrogant snob". hooray for me. i wanted to kick the hell out of him but ofcourse he is right isn't he. i am cynical. and arrogant. and a snob. but not always. just to a certain type of people..... i don't mind stupid people. stupid people are boring to talk to but if they're nice it's sometimes pleasent. because good intentions are good intentions even if you say stupid things as a result of low iq. but i despise the one which are full of shit. the ones which "have their bit going". you know the type. i can see their bluffing with their act always and i hate them and those are the ones i'm cynical and arrogant to. llke you bitch. if you call me that one more time i'll kick your ass.

i can't afford to be cynical and arrogant to anyone, ANYONE, in the army. wether i like them or not i will be with annoying people and they will hate me if i'm not nice and i can't let that happen. 3 years is a long time to be stuck with the wrong type of people. but let's hope they will all be nice gay boys. and maybe some nice girls too. gay boys and girls. oh paradise!! down with macho straight men forever!!!!

i would have gone on and on on issues such as how i let myself become a victim of society and it's prejudices and how what society thinks of gay people really affects how i feel about myself and how i act and if i should resist that or shouldn't and such issues. i could have also let myself gone on and on about the army or about my friends or about a load of many things. but since it's already 3 a.m. and i still have a movie to watch........ i'll make it short.

i just wanted to say how making conversation is one of my worst skills.

i can ask the right questions. i can talk alot about myself. i can tell funny stories. i can be neurotic and interesting and sometimes even intelligent. but making conversation.... thinking of things to say when silence comes our way......... but there are worst things then not having this talent right? yes there are. good. i'm not THAT much fucked up now am i? no.

just different maybe.

and maybe not.

(but probably)

p.s.

ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh i love the thought of an army with only gay boys and girls. but ofcourse if that were true we would lose the war in a second. haha. yes we would.

well i'll compromise at having my only unit consisting of gay boys and girls and not the WHOLE army. ohhhhhhh what a lovely dream.