approaching happiness or clinical treatment?
2002-08-06 2:53 p.m.

i can tell that nobody pays any attention to yulia, my cat, by the amount of hair that comes out everytime i stroke her back. it comes out in bundles.

which means that for the last 10 days i haven't been home and nobody even stroked her backed.

which means that she is probably having just as much a hard time as i am having in the army. maybe she has it even worse off.

i had a mental breakdown on saturday and i cried so much its unbelievable. it felt good and scary because i cried so much i couldn't breath and i kept on crying cause it felt good and then i started feeling ants inside my arm and i felt i was going to faint and couldn't get oxygen to my lungs anymore and then i decided i better calm down somehow because those just might be the symptoms of a heart attack.

the only time i rememeber myself crying this much was because of katrijn in belgium. now it might have been even more.

i'm not sure if i should be guilty or happy or pathetic or scared about the mental breakdown. i just don't know.

anyway today was an end of an era and damn i'm liking it and damn i am feeling some shade of happy now. damn me.