bye for now
2007-06-09 4:20 a.m.

So what's up doc? been kind of shaky recently. not happy. as i was sitting there with the psychologist, trying to make up my mind if i want to use her get to get me out of the army reserves, or if i want to get her to help me out with all the shit in my mind. as i was sitting there ( long sentences are hard to write/read, there goes your theory about infinite recursive sentence analysis mr. chomsky ), tears starting come to my eyes. I told her. about being short as a kid. about that girl who didn't want to dance with me when i was 12. about the decision to be gay. and i left after 50 minutes, and i was pissed. obscene words running through my mind. The main realization, or not really a realization, but more of a strong-than-usual reminder, was that i'm as fucked up now as i have ever been. I'm not comparing myself to other people now - this isn't the same dan who started this diary, see entries 10-20 6 years ago, writing in capital letters and exclamation marks how i feel like i'm a freak, an outcast from society. This is not him, or me, or them. Everyone IS fucked up, or at least most people are. But that's not the issue, and it doesn't really make you feel good at the end of the day. The issue is that are so many issues to resolve, and these issues, playing out their part as obstacles on the way to happiness, as barriers to the true wisdom of life, are seemed to be ignored by me everyday. So maybe its true what bengal says, about how going to psycologist helping him, by making him confront with no place to escape all those things which otherwise he wouldn't have excused off easily. This is in the end what this diary made me do, back then, in those beautiful days of daily tears, of cringing stomach muscles, and so on and so on. So maybe, besides all the corniness, which isn't justified anyway, i will write here again. Or maybe some other place, despite all the emotional attachment to mindlesslug.com, since noam can enter this place anytime, and this kills any chance of true and honest confessions. So that's what i will do. bye for now? little bunnies, are you still out there, jumping in the air when i'm happy? i don't see you now, but i believe.