what bengal says #3
2009-03-07 4:09 a.m.

and we have almost the same conversation again, and he says almost the same stuff again.

he says - there is no real reason to be depressed, with or without a boyfriend.

And he asks me - why am i depressed?
and i don't really know what to say. And then he asks , why? and i say the usual. And he asks me, what's the usual? and i spill out the usual spiel. But it's interesting to notice, that i spit out the spiel, but it doesn't really feel like it's really that, i feel detached from it. I mean, yeah, being alone, is the reason which i tell myself i'm depressed, and hell, i think it is. But i don't tell him that much, i just spill out the usual spiel.

And after a while, he asks me - why don't i have a boyfriend? and i don't know what to say. And he asks me, really, why? I say that i usually don't answer that question to myself, i simply accept the fact that despite my efforts, i haven't found one, since i started looking, 7 years ago. That probably it's a product of bad luck, my looks, and the fact that i find most people uninteresting. But your view takes away any responsibility from yourself, he says - that i have to take responsibility for my actions, and for my depressions - that even in seemingly dead ends in life, everyone are the cause of the actions. And he says that i have to look at the common threads that run through my failures, either in finding a boyfriend, or in a more general sense, to be happy. That nothing is constant - neither are your actions, or perceptions - i.e. the way you regard the world.
and he says - see a shrink, and if not, then take the time and try to find these threads - nothing is as simple as it looks, so fuck, take responsibility for yourself and make things look better.

And i say that that attitude seems silly to me - Take someone, kill all his family, cut off all his limbs, and then when he's depressed tell him that he has to change the way he perceives the world, and he has to take responsibility for himself. And yeah, i feel the tinge of demagogy running through my feet as saying it, but also a bit of truth? So if i'm alone, and it's not my fault, and most people that are happy around me are happy because they are in a relationship, then i should just accept the fact that for now i'm alone, and be happy nonetheless? Even though people around me would not have been happy in my situation? even though i suspect bengal himself would not have found the strengths to be happy?

But he says alot more stuff, and says that i should go see a shrink, and how he's very optimistic about me, and i say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, and all in all it sounds very much like our last conversation. But it's important for me to point out, how the fact that i write about here, does not mean i don't respect his ideas, on the contrary, even though i have a hard time to accept them, or more so not sure that i want to.

Anyway, he says that a person makes his own reality, not the other way around. Which is of course, or not, true? But then i think about how he too, does not have a boyfriend now, and there's a limit to how much you can make your own reality, and fuck, like 4 different guy told me no the past month, and i suspect the reason was simply attraction, so what's a boy to do? not much a shrink can do to fix that, sure. Yeah yeah yeah, depression is never the answer, but what's the use anyway in convincing yourself that you're happy, and changing your attitude, just because you didn't get what you wanted?
But ofcourse, that's not such a rational thought, if your goal is to maximize your happiness function.

But then again, it all feels a bit silly, cause i'm not sure anymore it's the reason i'm depressed. Is it the usual feelings for noam? They are there all the time, and the daily-mostly-repressed self-conflicts and frustration are still there, alive and kicking. For 3 reasons i stopped writing about it here -
1 : i don't think he reads this anymore, but he could if he wanted to do, and that doesn't sound healthy for anyone.
2: i'm tired of it, it's all the same all the time.
3: I'm trying to avoid/to convince myself, that he's not the reason for my depression. so thinking about it openly, or writing about it, is counter-productive right?

But if it's not that boyfriend thing, or not noam, so what is it really? Why am i like this?

but really, why?

But then again, it might be the first or the second, and just because it's been going on in my head for so long, i suddenly feel detached from it, not meaning that it's not true. Though i admit it's funny a bit, since being depressed because of a reason you feel detached from, very much implies that maybe it's not really what you're depressed from, and that things are deeper.

But helk, I'm sure that they are deeper - and the only reason i guess i don't tell that to bengal, is that then I'm SURE he would tell him that i need to a shrink, since if my problems are really so global, there's nothing really to talk about in a small conversation, it's simply things i need to work out.
And i guess a proof of the fact that the depression runs deep in my veins, is that i was depressed when i was 7, and 12, and 17, as well, in different levels of intensity and self-awareness.
And why was i depressed when i was 12? since i was short, fucking really really really short, and not one of the cool guys. Nothing special. But back then as well, one could take it in two ways, either take it to the heart like i take now my lack of boyfriend, or take it like a good boyscout, and... see a shrink, when you're 4, when you're 7, when you're 21, and when you're 81 since you're depressed because everyday might be your last?

ah, fuck you all, and oh by the way, fuck you uriah, as well.