2020-03-15 8:00 a.m.

It's just me and him. I want some time alone, dreaming of travelling by myself around Italy for a few days. And anyway it's awkward to think of spending time just the two of us. I tell him I'm going to walk around, and he says sure take a short walk, but after a few minutes I come back to him. He is sitting on the same bench in a random bridge where I left him, he didn't move at all. I thought he would also prefer time alone, and he loves Italy, but now I realise he is too weak and in too much pain, the cancer in his lower back is too much. He says that he thought about it and that I should take time alone, he'll be fine, but I say no no It will be nice to be with him. Secretly I'm ashamed that I'm still fantasizing about going around Italy for a few days without him, though I know that's not gonna happen. I tell him I have some newspapers for him to read, and he tries to play it cool like it don't matter, but I know he is a bit excited about having newspapers he didn't read yet. Suddenly he gets worked up, and starts lecturing me about something mathematical, related maybe to Coronavirus spreading. I try to show interest, and also it makes me feel that feeling that I'm not the son he wants. But he is excited again to talk about something, even for a few minutes, and I can see that he needs me in his own way, and all I can think about is that I don't want him to die.

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