irrelevant soon to be forgotten thoughts of nervousness
2001-06-21 12:24 a.m.

everything i say think or feel now is just irrelevant.

it doesnt matter if im tense, freaked out, calm, or whatever. it doesnt matter. only tommarow matters.

im going to see gatsby tommarow. i dont know what'll happen. really anything could. it has every chance of being the day my real life started, and being shitty and a disappointment and embarassing as hell.

i myself am going to go for the first option.

just a couple of days who would of thought!! if you'd have told me what's going to happen tommarow i'd have spit in your eye with disbelief. now im just excited, nervous, scared, anxious, on the verge of a heart attack.

i talked to him and he was so calm. his voice (or attitude) annoyed me a bit. but no matter. he seems like a nice person nonetheless. and he likes good music.

and maybe its good if one of us was calm. it might be helpfull. all chances are if he was as freaked out as i am about it it would have failed miserably, both of us trying to get words out of out mouthes and not succeeding.

its good he's feeling different about this than me. we dont have to feel the same for it to work.

let it work let it work let it work.

and i have my last big big math exam tommarow. no more highschool. it really really could turn out so ironic if all works out as planned. it would the final blow to an era i want to forget. please please please.

im avoiding that really really nice and cute icq girl now. i was really about to ask her phone number the day all this shit with gatsby started. but now i cant talk to her. one thing at a time. there's only so much stuff my mind can handle, and im way over the limit even as it is.

and im going to portugal on friday. flying. weee! i wonder how my life will be like in a week. will i look back and think "the most wonderful week in my life so far?".

well there's no escaping it it'll be a memorable week weather i like it or not, weather for the worst or the best.

reminder to self : be strong. dont let yourself drown in petty incofidences. you're better than that. elevate yourself for the moment.

i HATE waiting. like waiting for the drivers test, waiting for my turn in a piano recital, waiting for the army to start. even now 8 month before the army i already lose a beat when thinking about it. and i HATE waiting for this "date".

i just want to get it over with. or at least get to it. always the time im most uptight in a recital is the time i need to sit and wait for my turn. the minute i go up-stage it all goes away, but im still left with trembling hands as a remembrance of how i was uptight a second before. tommarow will probably be the same. the minute i see him i'll slowly relax. hopefully. please let him be good looking! not fat not fat. not ugly not ugly.

god waiting isnt good for me. my grandfather died of a heart attack waiting to be dealt his bridge cards. I DONT WANT TO DIE YET. hehehehehehehe.

okay tommarow's entry will be far more intresting. it has to be.

quote of the day : "all i wanna do, is have some fun, and ive got a feeling im not the only one!"

thats the right frame of mind i should have right now. i need this nonchalance optimism.