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NOT THE VENUS OF THE DEEP BLUE SEA; insane happy laughter caused by life :) one day delay caused by sleep over at dor's place. okay where were we? okay yeah i remember. katrijn ................................................................. after greece if you remember i was in love. I met katrijn there, and i was both shocked and utterly ecstatic about a girl being interested in me, a beautiful magnificent girl, and i was totally ecstatic about my first kiss ever. i was totally ecstatic about everything. and i stopped biting myself. I felt worthy, i felt good about myself, i felt as if it was only a matter of time until i find in israel something like i had with katrijn for a few hours. optimism at it's best. I wasn't totally sure how she felt regarding that night in which we were "together", but believing that she felt the same way as i did was all i needed. I didn't presume we would meet again ever in my life, and I was happy to lock that memory as the most pure happy memory ever made. but life is full of surprises, and oddly enough october came, and here i was in her house sleeping in her bed and waiting for the next day when she comes back to her house from the university. we almost didn't talk at all since greece, but still i remembered how much i loved her for a few days, and i expected it to be the same as then. foolish? living in a dream? maybe and maybe not. cause really all which was needed for the dream to come true was for her to remember me from greece, and remember how she loved(?) me for a short while, and feel the same way as i do. crazy? i dunno....... and maybe it is crazy. after greece i wasn't thinking "hey this is the love of my life", i moved on. i fell out of love (but ofcourse...!), yet remembered her so dearly. so it's not as if i was coming to belgium with "i'm in love with that girl" feelings. but i did come to belgium with the wanting (expecting) to make it all happen again, to remember together and fall for a few days for her again. and so she came back that second evening we were in belgium, and i was expecting kisses and i love you's and stuff, and what i got was that same beautiful girl acting as if everything was normal. she said she missed me after i said i missed her, and she hugged me, but when during dinner she decided to read some magazin instead of being in love with me and wanting to look into my eye endlessly, i knew that something wasn't just right. that made me insecure. can you blame me? and dinner ended, and i was just waiting for the smallest sign of wanting from her side so i could kiss her, but nothing. we talked a lot that night, but it was talk of two strangers, surely not that of lovers. i gave her the present i bought her : this porcelain doll dressed up with a giant 18'th centuary dress, easily imagined as waltzing gracefully in the courts of british kings. and we talked and laughed some, and before going to sleep i gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then told her something like "i would have kissed you on the lips but i'm not sure where we're standing......", and she gave me an approval to kiss her. [notice words....]. so i kissed her. and i was happy, but when i put my hand through her hair afterwards and she didn't look me in the eye, i felt something was wrong. why did you let me kiss you?!? i went to bed feeling ambivalent. on the one hand i had her taste in my mouth, but on the other hand..... and so next morning came, and she smiled at me at breakfast, but still...... something..... and during the day we went with all her aunts and uncles and grandparents to some place, and she smiled at me once in a while, but most of the time she talked to her family and didn't give a shit about me. I was thinking "this isn't right. this isn't what i expected. but maybe i'm just getting her all wrong?". on the way back though we were talking in the car, and i put my head near her lap, and i put my hand through her hair, and nothing. nothing. conclusion was necessary and obvious. and i held back my tears driving in that car in her dad's fancy BMW. and night came, and the conclusion was final, and you know it as well as i do, and night came, and i lay in my bed and put on my headphones and disintegration cd, and cried and cried and cried and cried. and cried. and some more. silently. i honestly don't remember ever crying that much. "i don't believe it. she doesn't give a fuck about me. shattered. greece? an illusion. another figment of my imagination. just a girl who i fell in love with and who wanted for some reason to kiss me then. that's all. THAT'S ALL!! i stopped biting myself, all the optimism, all the ecstatic feelings then, EVERYTHING, A FUCKING ILLUSION. FUCK". and i cried. i cried. and i cried. and fell asleep. another day came, and i hid my tears, and i just shut away and calculated how much more days this suffering must go on. how much more days i need to be with this girl who i don't know even, this beautiful girl which i hardly talk to anymore and which doesn't show any stupid sign of her caring. past illusions being broken by the second. i wrote her a letter . a letter saying in so many words the things listed above. how i was in love with her after greece, how i built so many good things out of that night, how i thought somebody loved me despite my weaknesses, and how now it seems as if i didn't even know her back then, and she didn't know me either. i left her the letter near her bed, and expected her to give me at least some sort of reply. but morning came, and breakfast came, and nothing. this was the point i became angry, cause she doesn't have to love me, but she owes me at least something after me telling her all the stuff in that letter.... she CAN'T just ignore me! ...... and so i told her we needed to talk, and i could feel she was afraid from me, of that insecure guy who just told her he cried all night because of her in a letter, of that someone who she probably thought was crazy. but i insisted, and that night we talked in her room. and she was saying stuff, and i was explaining how i was so sad mainly because that night in greece meant so much to me, and then she said in reply again and again how it was meaningful for her also. okay. and she said, and i agreed with her (or maybe i said and she agreed...) , that it has been 4 monthes, and this meeting again was strange, and she still thinks i'm an interesting cute person, and that's about all. bla bla bla. okay. so be it. afterwards we finished talking about us i told her about probably being gay and dor and stuff like that. i don't know why. just felt like sharing. mpffffff. good. and then goodnight, and the morning after we parted, and she was trying to act like everything was normal ("keep in touch!") and i was still trying to hide my tears, and she doesn't really know me if that's the way she acted. she's NOT the venus of the deep blue sea. she's just a beautiful, highly intelligent, complicated, girl, who happened to be interested in me for one night in greece. just another person who doesn't really get my world. join the club. good? bad? enlightening? bla bla bla bla bla. and as i have happily accustomed myself to do, i put that memory in some drawer in my mind, and moved on, and eventhough that 4 days in belgium drew a lot of tears from me i'm glad that they happened, and i don't see anypoint of talking about it anymore as of NOW. (not bitter) ................................................................................................. i guess that's all. the coin is beginning to fall, and me and my life are already starting to grow new (&old) roots. frustration happiness sadness hope depression optimism pessmism fears battles people parents friends feelings goals attractions craziness sometimes pathetic sometimes not at all (mostly? hopefully. depending on point of view). and so on and so on. the story is old i know :) and yet it goes on and thus is life. good. hahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ha! |