VENUS OF THE DEEP BLUE SEA
2001-07-16 1:49 a.m.

katrin

venus of the deep blue sea

you made unfamiliar sensations slip over me

you made me hear love songs without getting bitter

looking into your eyes nothing could have been sweeter

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WOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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so much too be said, so much experiences to be described, so much thoughts that should be documented, so much stuff damnit

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i went to this trip to greece with a very clear thought of how it would be : just laying on the beach in the sun with my friends with whom i'll get along, escaping real life for a while, clearing my head, not anything TOO exciting.

i was wrong. you should never expect anything out of life, not for the best, not for the worst.

the flight was fun. my friends (nir, lior, ehud) were all excited on flying abroad together, and so was I. we got to the airport in the greek island of lesvos, and a bus drove us to our hotel

we got to our hotel, which was BEAUTIFUL. we got this 2 rooms connected with each other, with balconies overlooking the sea and the mountains. how nice. we headed to the local beach at the town of petra which was 15 minutes away, and just lay there falling asleep. women walking around in beaches topless is more common in lesvos than flies, and at first it all seemed very exciting if you remember the only breasts i ever saw were my moms and internet porno girls. (yuck). but after a while you treat the sight of breasts like you would any advertisement - ignore them. and anyway most topless women were fat/old thus the difference between them and old fat men was VERY sadly small.

the second day we hired bikes cause my chicken unadventurous friends were too afraid to hire motorbikes like everyone does. it really annoyed me, and i imagined being stuck in our hotel all the time since we didnt have any other means of transportation. trying to convice the stubborn pricks that motorbikes was even more safe than bikes was uselss and frustrating. so we rode around the hilly lesvos landscape for half an hour in the absolute heat, until lior cramped a muscle and we had to return to the hotel with our legs hurting and our tail between them shamefully.

we didnt even think of the idea that anybody would be willing to rent to four 18 year olds a car, but out of an act of desperation ehud asked the hotel if we could. and........... we could! YES! how lovely.

so the next day we went to the local car agency - BILLY'S. if that sounds to you like a small family that rents cars happily to anyone that asks youre not very far from the truth. and it was even more surpisingly cheap - it cost less than triple the bicycle amount. can you believe it? so we told them we were 18 and they didnt seem to care, and only afterwards when we read the rent agreement did we find out we signed a thing saying we were over 21. oh well WHO FUCKING CARES?!?!?. we had a car. a HYUNDAI atos. ugly car but WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!?

we took turns driving the car. at first it was a bit of a shock to drive a manual car cause the last time i did was in my driving test 6 month ago. but hey after taking 70 (!?!?!?) driving lessons you just have it in you.

driving around the island. hearing music tapes on the BILLY'S radio ( as one of the workers there said : "its a BILLY'S radio, you can use it but dont take it" ). I was extatic at all the opportunities this opened. suddenly we had all the island laid out for us. YES!!!. so went to other beaches, and explored every single corner of the island.

i was getting along fairly well with my friends : having fun i guess, not too much though. until the spider came. the spider. FUCKING spider.

i am scared shit of spiders. when i was younger i wouldn't agree to go into my aunt's and uncle's house because they had small spiders on the ceiling. i think this fear started when i was in 6'th grade and i went to this zoo place and there was this big giant "black widow" with furry legs and a note saying that black widows can kill a man in 20 seconds or something like that.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT A 12 YEAR OLD BOY TO TURN INTO A HEALTHY MAN IF YOU SHOW HIM A THING LIKE THAT?!?!?! FUCKERS!

"arachnophobia" - an abnormal fear of spiders.

so we woke up one day, and in ehud's and nir's room there was this GIANT, but i mean FUCKING GIANT, spider on the wall. GIANT i tell you. HUMANGOUS. a SUPER-MEGA sized spider. light brown. exactly the ones which look like they can kill. exactly the ones that probably move with the 8 fucking hairy feet faster than the eye. exactly the ones you dont want me to see.

my first reaction was this cant be a spider. it cant be. maybe its a cat hanging from the wall. or an elephant. please let it not be a spider. PLEASE. i went into my room, got up on the bed, and just stood there. SHOCKED. having a nervous breakdown. not thinking of the possibility of getting of the bed, not being able to handle the thought that another such spider could be ANYWHERE. in my sheets, in my luggage, on the ceiling, EVERYWHERE. shaking like hell. DAMNIT.

all the meanwhile my friends were calling the lobby saying there's a giant spider in their room. so the maid came to kill the spider, but the minute she went into the room she ran out screaming greek curse-sounding noises. it was BIGGER than she presumed. so she brought another maid. and together alongwith nir and ehud they sprayed the spider, shouting like hell, than killing it more and more and more.

i was still standing on my bed in ther other room. i couldnt move. and lior kept on telling me " dress up dan we want to go out today. " I ignored him. i didnt want to tell him how fucking scared i was. and he kept on going into my room, seeing me standing on the bed with my hands in my face shaking, pushing me. so finally i yelled at him "SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP".

and he left the room, telling ehud and nir that "we have a madman in our room". GEE THANKS. but i figured they knew how afraid i was of spiders, and even if they didnt they'd try to understand me.

so i gathered courage and actually went through my clothes and got dressed and went out of my room, and then told them i was ready. i thought they'd understand why i reacted the way i reacted, and hey i just told him to shut up. BIG FUCKING DEAL. but then when i told them i was ready lior said something like " yeah its about time idiot ". and i ran to the lobby muttering to myself "what a bunch of know nothing no good idiots. i dont want to be with them. IDIOTS". i went to the lobby. still shaking, still imagining the spider behind every corner, crawling on my back, and hating my friends as hell. one or two tears. and my friends came. the last thing i wanted was to be in a car with them but i didnt really have a choice once i went into the car. i dont think i said a word for 5 hours or so, fighting the urge to burst in tears and tell them how much i hate them.

but after a while i forgave them, hoping they'd at least understand now how much on the verge of nervous breakdown i was after seeing me with tears in my eyes. and i let it go, and afterwards we drove around lesvos with our HYUNDAI ACCENT we got the day after we drove the hyundai atos. it took a lot of strength to let it go.

but the day afterwards we changed rooms on hotel request, and i was in a room with nir. when we went to sleep in the afternoon i told nir i would like to sleep with the doors closed and with the air conditioning just to feel secure that no GIANT MAN EATING spiders will come. i assumed that him being my best friend he'd agree with me, understanding. i assumed that out of all my friends he above all should know me best and understand how hard it all was for me. i assumed that when lior and ehud were mad at me for snapping at lior, he was the one who'd try to explain my point of view.

but then he said " why should i suffer from your irrational fears ? ". and im like " WHAT THE FUCK?? LIKE YOU HAVE IRRATIONAL FEARS FROM GIRLS AND STUFF, IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THEM. " . he said " well my irrational fears dont hurt anyone". i said " how do mine hurt anyone ". he said " you yelled at lior like a madman." i said " DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW AFRAID I WAS? ALL I DID WAS TELL HIM TO SHUT UP.... DO YOU KNOW I WENT TO THE LOBBY AND CRIED AFTERWARDS? YOU DONT GET ANYTHING DO YOU????". he tried to say something but i yelled " enough enough enough enough i dont want to talk to you right now".

i tried to fall asleep, but all i could think about was how my best friend, my best friend for 10 years, acts to me like a bitch. like my best friend not only didnt try to understand me and help me get through my rough times, but was actually angry at me for being afraid of the spider. FUCK YOU NIR!!! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. MY BEST FRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE. DAMNIT. FUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK. i got dressed and went out of the hotel room and went to a lonely place and cryed my heart out, feeling sorry that i have no friends at all, that i hate nir, thinking i'll tell him all the things i think about our evidently penny-worth relationship. i walked around for a couple of hours. the more i walked the more rational i became, less driven by emotions. when i came back to the hotel i was thinking " FUCK NIR. FUCK ALL MY FRIENDS. but i wont make a scene out of it. it'll help no one. i'd like to make revenge somehow, to show nir how much he sucks, to not talk to him ever again, to ruin the whole trip. but i wont. that'll help no one. i WILL be the better man. he isnt a real friend cause he cant be, cause he hasnt got the powers to understand other people which think differently than him. i do have those powers. thats why i WILL have meaningfull relationships in my life, and he wont. i wont make a scene out of it. i'll let it go. i wont mention it ever again, but i wont forget it either."

when i came to the hotel room they were all sleeping like babies. when nir woke up he mumbled a half almost no good apology saying " i didnt know your phobia was that big ". i said okay and rolled my eyes. thats the best you can do? well it wasnt much but it was enough to make me even more sure i shouldnt make a scene out of it. i let it go.

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so the trip went on its course. i felt good about myself for being the strong man. nir left my room cause he said he couldnt sleep with airconditiong, so i slept alone. i didnt care. i prefered sleeping alone anyway.

all the meanwhile we spotted two girls with their parents staying at our hotel. they were sooooooooooo hot. we were talking all the time how the fuck do we start talking to them, how the fuck do we get them away from their parents, why the fuck are we soo chicken to talk to them, how the fuck they are so fucking cute, how the fuck they are actually looking at us the same way we are looking at them. i didnt presume anything would come out of it. for 2 days already we were eying them, but we were all fucking chicken shit fucks. and the only one who wasnt (ehud) had no interest since he has a girlfriend ( shira... see the entry of 26/5 ).

but one day while we were sitting in the lobby ehud came to us saying he just went to those 2 british (we thought they were british cause one had a britian flag shirt... ) girls' room. thier mom opened the door, and he told her that he would love if her daughters would come to the lobby to play some cards with us or somethin....... hahhahaha thats lame. BUT I THANK TO GOD HE DID. thank you ehud.

so they came to our table. we were all nervous, cause this 2 amazing girls were talking to us. ehud was showering them with infromation on israel and stuff, and they were just nodding with boredom. LAME. it turns out their belgian. the young gorgeous model looking one was 15, and the old extremely beautiful angel was 18. eelen ( 15 ) and katrin (18). (are you starting to see where this is heading after reading the top of the entry... :))))))))))))))))))))).

i was sure they'd never want any contact with us ever again after that boring nervous talk we had. i was sure they thought we were idiots. i was sure of it.

but the day afterwards they actually asked ehud what we were doing that night. WHY i dont know. i guess they were really bored. or maybe there is a god. :).

that day without any relevance we rented a jeep and drove around lesvos with an open roof. driving around rough terrains, one driving all the other ones standing up with wind in hair and face, singing like happy idiots. it was fun. we yelled "yasu" ( a friendly hello in greek ) to everyone we passed by. it was very very fun i must admit. i forgot all about the "i hate my friends" issues. it was fun.

so we got home early and met our belgian hot chicks, which by that time we all agreed were not only hot but EXTREMELY cute and nice. that night we had a bit more relaxed conversaion, and at some points it actually flowed. i wasnt nervous at all, i was mostly quiet, but when i talked i was myself. looking back that is kinda of weird i guess taking my self destructivenss and fear of people in consideration......

before we parted that night after about 2 hours or so of talking, i was saying how much i like massages, and then katrin said she loves to give massages. so i said nervously want to give one and she said why not. so went from the girls balcony to their room. i lay down on the bed, took my shirt off, and she massaged me with sunscreen. well it wasnt the best massage it was too soft and unpainfull, but i was so happy to be getting massage from a hot belgian girl. that in itself would have made my trip worth while at that point. we werent alone in the room cause my friends went in too, so it wasnt romantic or anything. just a massage. my friends later told me that walking into the room they thought they were walking into a porn movie. hehehehehehehehe. 2 hot GORGEOUS girls laying on their beds, looking seductive as hell, one massaging my bare back.

but after the massage i got very predictably scared and couldnt manage a decent conversation. so we went to our rooms, and i was all giddy after getting the massage. oh thats so childish isnt it???? well at least it is looking back :)

that day my friends all went asleep at 12, and we needed to return the jeep until 9 oclock in the morning. i was thinking about driving around the jeep at night and seeing the sunrise somewhere, so i volunteered staying up all night and giving the car back in the morning.

so at about 2 i went out of my room, all scared of driving alone in a jeep which i dont really know how to drive in a place i dont know late at night. but i went through with it anyway. i drove the jeep, first scaridly at 30 kilometers per hour, then getting used to it. when i started seeing the sky brightenting from a black color to a very dark blue one, i drove to this cliff i found overlooking the east side of lesvos, and stopped there parking the jeep. went to the edge of the cliff, and sat down. sky still very very dark. not seeing anything besides the moon above me and the stars. putting my headphones on - loveless - hearing it ecstatically and watching the sky getting brighter and brighter as the neverending sea was below and infront of me, the moon and the mountains of lesvos above and besides me. when i finished hearing the disc and dancing there on the edge of the cliff the sky was totally lit up, and then i saw the tip of the shiny sun getting up. like sunset in rewind. beautiful i tell you.

i drove back at about 6 a.m. i was exhausted and i kept on losing my way and making driving mistakes. reminder to self : NEVER drive when you're really really sleepy. its just plain dangerous. you cant concentrate.

i got to the hotel room at 7, telling myself to hold on another hour and go to BILLY'S to return the jeep. but then i remembered how close i was to hitting a motorcycle an hour before, and how i wanted to sleep anyway, and how i didnt feel like going to BILLY'S alone anyway, so i woke lior up and went to sleep without going to BILLY'S but after having a great time that night driving the jeep watching the stars hearing music dancing watching sunrise.

so i woke up at 3 pm only to find my friends talking to those belgian chicks. i think it was the last day. yeah it makes sense chronologically in my brain though im not sure. so i found my friends talking to the girls in the lobby, nothing too exciting. i still thought nothing could ever come out of it, still seeing the non meaningfull half embarassing small talk going on. in the afternoon we all went with eelen ( the gorgeous 15 year old ) to the local town and bought presents for people back home, and i bought katrin this small cat doll ( later named dan junior by her.. ) as a gift for the massage she gave me like i promised i would.

i really thought katrin was REALLY cute and nice, eventhough i never had any intimate conversation with her. i even scribbled in the notebook i bought a drawing of a sea and wrote in it "venus of the deep blue sea" about her. she just seemed so my type. she even liked radiohead.

i didnt even slightly assume with my low self confidence that she really liked me too. cause never have girls been really interested in me. and i dont act very manly, and the belgian girls all heard about the spider stories and called me half-jokingly a sissy. i like being called a sissy though. :). and i played along.

i told nir that if i had some more time something could come out with katrin and me, but there just isnt enough time. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

that night there was a "greek night" at the hotel. meaning food by the pool, and greek dances for all the hotel guests and stuff. we ate the dinner at the same table with the belgian girls and thier PARENTS!!. how embarassing. it was like sitting with your soon to be bride's parents. "AWKWARD - causing inconvenience, embarassment or diffuclty." and we actually had to watch our eating manners infront of the 2 european parents and the girls. that sucked.......... AM I ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO EAT FISH WITH A KNIFE AND FORK AND NOT BURP AT DINNER? give me a break!

but then we went to dance the foolish dances and the british ( we kept refering to them as british eventhough we knew they were belgian ) girls came too and it was silly and fun. at one point i sat alone with katrin for 10 minutes or so, and she told me her sister thinks im cute, and she asked me do i think she's cute and i said "yeah she's nice", and she said she told her she thought i did but eeleen already has 2 boyfriends.............

and i was thinking "no, YOURE the one i want. not eelen. oh well i guess youre not intrested in me..... i might go for eelen ( she didnt really care for the 2 boyfriends.. ) cause she's sooooo gorgeous and cute even though she's not my type and pretty shallow looking. oh well i would like to have a romantic experience with someone.... and did she REALLY think i was cute? wow i dont believe it!".

then we all went to dip in the sea. but after a few minutes we all went out, and they left me and katrin alone. yum. but i was a bit scared. but not too much. cause i liked her. i really did. she seemed so nice. and her personality soothed me as much as anybody can. so we talked. it wasnt romantic at all, but we did talk for an hour or so by the beach about evertything. i was telling her about myself, and my depressions, and my anti-socialness, and about my sister who's pregnant and self destructive like i am, and isreali politics, and the holocaust, and she was telling me about her crappy father and stuff. very honest talk which i didnt see leading into romance. so after a while we went up to hour rooms finding everybody a bit drunk playing cards in my friends' room. i thought i lost my chance after telling katrin about all my problems and how i never had a girl friend and stuff. cause thats the stuff you say to a soul mate, not to a potential lover cause that'll make you look weak. you dont want to look weak to someone right? thats a turnoff right? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. or maybe not.........................

and then nir told me he talked to eeleen and she said katrin thinks im real cute. i was like YEAH!!!. but i still was skeptical about my chances. so we played cards, i drank and became tired, and i saw the night coming to an end. thinking i had my chance at the beach, and i played my cards wrong. thinking oh well i can always say i got a massage from a hot belgian girl.

but then i went to my room, and surprisingly there was a CAT just lying there ON MY BED. a CAT. i mean why and how the fuck? well i know he came through the balcony. yeah i know that. but he came through the balcony and climbed on my bed, and just slept there. that was VERY surprising....... so i told everyone to come and watch. and they came and were like " how the hell did he get there". and then all my friends left, and only katrin stayed in my room. i knew this was my chance. i knew she stayed in my room cause she was interested in me. i knew i had to stop this talking about meaningfull depressing stuff which only leads to sympathetic nods.

we named the cat moses, after a song she knows with a cat named moses. LOVE YOU MOSES!!. and then there was silence. there was no use trying to make conversation anymore. i knew this was the time to kiss her, to make it romantic, but i didnt know how. well give me a break i NEVER kissed anyone before........

so i just said " im so bad at this romantic stuff, cause i want to kiss you...........". too damn weak and pathetic huh? BUT hey who cares. and she said " just be more self confident " . THANKS KATRIN. and i said oh yeah. well im gonna kiss you. and she smiled. and we kissed. YA.

its not THAT great you know. just tongue with tongue, fluids passing through. not that great........i guess i expected too much of it...... but hey i kissed!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! how fun. with a girl i actually like.

after that i told her it was my first kiss. she was like really? and i was like yeah....... and she was like how cute!!. hahahahaha. too honest again. i probably sucked ass as a kisser anyway!

then we went to check whats going on with my friends, and they werent with eeleen anymore, they were fast asleep pretty much. so we went to the girls room. it wasnt really perfect, it was still a bit embarassing. a bit. i wasnt sure if we were saying goodbye now. but i went into their room, and i lay their on the bed with the two GORGEOUS belgian sisters. and we talked. and i was totally at ease. and i felt like im part of some girl talk, and we talked about all my friends, how ehud is very talkative and eeleen's type, how lior seems to eeleen mysterious, how nir is inconfident and too mature for eeleen and she rejected him cause of that and cause she could tell he was intrested in her only because of her looks........ and how while we thought "hey these really HOT GORGEOUS (im running out of adjectives to describe their beauty..) chicks are talking to us" they were thinking " hey this cute guys are talking to us ".

it all made me laugh and very happy. and they were in their night gowns. i was with 2 INCREDIBLE women in night gowns sitting on their bed talking to them having fun. i mean WOW. this is a dream.

and they said how from the first second they thought i was the cutest by far. how they both really liked me. how im so sweet. how im not weird but special. how they like my hair and beard. how i am attractive despite what i said to them. how im perfect. i mean DAMNIT!!!!!!!!! this MUST be a dream. damnit nothing can do better to your self confidence than being with two AMAZING women telling you you're perfect. WOWEEEEE.

then eeleeen went to sleep. or at least tried. and i kissed katrin again. and i went to my room and brought my notebook and showed her i wrote about her "venus of the deep blue sea" and gave her that page. she tasted like banana. and she put her hands through my hair again and again, and i patted her arms. and we talked about silly stuff and obsessions.

it wasnt totally perfect i wont lie. cause i wasnt totally at ease. and i did start getting really sweaty at times. but i got over it. and it was very very close to perfect. i had this smug smile over my face. and i was surprisingly close to being totally at ease. it is real life after all you know. thats what's so amazing about it.......

and we looked each other in the eye. and she smiled. oh my god nothing more beautiful than that. oh my god. her eyes. her eyebrows. her beauituful face. the way our eyes met, they way she touched my hair and patted my arm, her soft soft skin. oh my god. they way i could she liked me. LOVE. well it felt like it anyway. it feels like it anyway. maybe its just cause it was a first time and it always feels like this and maybe cause it really will be one of the special moments of my life.

we only kissed though. we didnt even make out. but that's what seemed right. im sure if we had some more days we would have gone farther. im completely sure of it. and im also sure that if i tryed to really make out she wouldnt have resisted. but i didnt. maybe i should have, maybe i shouldnt have. doesnt matter. im not this macho man who's looking for sex. i got everything i wanted. everything.

i left her room at 6 oclock, after a last final kiss. while leaving her room towards mine she was standing there watching me with her nightgown, with a smile. she was so beautiful. she is so beautiful. oh my god that was so beautiful. that's what i'll remember of greece. her standing there looking me in the eye looking beautiful. thats what i'll remember of this whole action filled month probably. i should have so photoed that. but hey its recorded in my mind and in this entry.......... at least for now i love her. but i doubt we will ever meet again. probably the most pure and none problematic relationship i'll ever have. i told her i'll try to come to belgium in the fall. but who knows. and if i do will it be the same. who knows. it'll probably be weird in 4 month, we both continuing with our lives. and i wont fly to belgium alone just for her its a lot of money. i'll try to convince my friends to come. but i doubt we'll ever meet again. i hope so though...... we exchanged emails. she'll email me when she gets back to belgium tommarow or something. as somebody wise has once told me (Teacupstorm) "online relationships suck". they probably do...........

but either way all of that makes me happy at least for now.

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well thats the important stuff. if anybody is still reading this you must not have a life...... but i love you. i didnt say anything about so many stuff : skinny dipping, gay attractions, eeleeen and nir, other thoughts all this made me think, and so on and so on. but hey i've been writing for 3 hours and counting! WOW.

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so here i am in israel. isnt it ironic i managed to be relaxed and myself with 2 belgian girls, but i have a hard time talking to the sailsmen in the pharmacy and the supermarket ( well yeah russian saleswomen.... ). these kinda of stuff make me laugh. what's the matter with me? anyway im not planning any relationship with the pharmacy salesman so i dont care. :) ohohohooh i want the belgian to live in israel sooooooo. ohohohohohoh. katrin. with this r i cant pronounce so i called her cathrin. ohohohohho.

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so does this mean im not gay? i dont know. i dont care. all i know that kissing her was arousing as hell. and i read this entry which made me decide that im never gonna have anal sex. yuch. but hey boy-ashamed doesnt like it either and he's VERY gay, so i can still be gay. weeeeeeeeee. "im not gay and im not straight, i just like people" - me. someday that might be my moto.

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i just remembered her voice. ohohohoho.

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my sister gave birth like 5 hours ago. im an uncle. she's a mother. my parents are grandparents. a new life was created. a little girl. name not known yet. she is SOOOOOOOOOO cute. did anyone say he didnt like babies. *looking for rifle*. well maybe i'll hate them too after hearing all the future whining and screaming. but oohohoh that small baby is sooooo lovely. oh my god. i still dont get it. our family has now totally changed. and all i can think about is cathrin. but im happy about the baby too. WOWEEEEE. and my sister didnt have a nervous breakdown. WOWEEEEEE.

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okay enough.

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quote of the day "im walking on sunshine wowow im walking on sunshine wowowo im walking on sunshine wowowowo and damn it feels GOOD."

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i know it'll wear off. its already wearing off. but i have a renewed faith in life. in myself. in everything. just let me look into her smiling eyes again. or somebody's elses i love. i need a girlfriend it'll be soooo fun. a girlfriend i love. that also thinks im perfect. oh i said enough right? okay enough.

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oh and remember the arm biting rebellion? im so happy i dont ever need to bite myself again. WOWWWWWWEEEEEEEEE. i'll just lick myself.

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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