did my head already explode? (25) yeah and this was a night to remember alright
2002-03-13 2:14 a.m.

veeeerrrrrrryyyyyy interesting. yes yes. oh my fucking god wow this life is really something. or maybe i am. god. well anyway this night is a night i'll remember for all my life, for better or for worse. but the past really isn't what's important.

so, little bunnies, interested in the details? well we knew he wasn't my type and i still think so but he is very nice. but from a entirely different world from me and frankly not really that intelligent. but a very nice bloke none the less. really, i had a good 2 hours of talking to you.

facts about him

his name was nir ben lul

he was pretty fat

he had a cute face

he liked me alot

he was nice

he had a pretty disgusting black thing on one of his teeth

i didn't feel too attracted to him

we talked about all kinds of gay stuff

he asked if i like him and i said that i don't think our personalities are compatible because that's what i thought. he said he doesn't agree and he tried to change my mind but my mind was set. if it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right.

we kept on talking after i so called 'rejected' him

he suggested and i thought about it and i thought even about suggesting myself. that we should kiss. with out any relation to my not wanting him as a boyfriend. so we kissed.

i didn't like it. he had bad taste. and my dick didn't like it either and didn't react at all.

i wish it had. i wish i could say i don't like this guy but i kissed a boy and i liked kissing a boy and i'm gay.

but i can't say that.

because i didn't like kissing that boy at all. i felt like throwing up afterwards. i still feel like throwing up. i didn't ofcourse.

we stopped kissing. i said this was too weird for me. he asked if i wanted to make out. touching and stuff. i said no. it's too wierd for me. cause it was too weird for me. and i didn't want to keep kissing him. i didn't at all.

so we kept on talking. and i started thinking. and still i am here thinking.

why? why did i react this way? because he had bad taste? because he was fat? because he was a boy? because it was my first time and because it was weird? because i'm NOT gay? but sometimes i get turned on so much by boys, sometimes even a hug from dor can give me a stiffy, so why? why when i kissed katrijn did i get a stiffy? i didn't really like kissing katrijn either. i liked her. i liked the fact that i was kissing her. but i didn't like kissing her.

it'd be sad if i just didn't like kissing in general. it'd be sad if i'm not attracted to anyone.

but i am.

we talked some more and said goodbye and said we had a good time cause really we did have a good time chatting and really he is a very nice old chap and really meeting new people when they're nice is fun.

i didn't like saying no to him. i didn't like rejecting. it's much more responsibilty than being rejected. no harm done though right?

i wish i didn't react the way i reacted when i kissed him. sort of mental panic. i wish i didn't have to think about the consequences now. i wish i was gay gay gay or straight straight straight and stop playing with these childish stupid things. but such is life.

i'm happy with every decision i made. i'm happy i kissed him eventough i hated it looking backwords. i'm happy i told him that i don't think we're compatible even though hell i'm not sure of anything. i'm happy of how much of a nice person i was during the time we talked. i'm happy with how i'm a nice person. it might be useful in life. i'm happy with the fact that he liked me. both physically and mentally. i'm happy with the fact that i didn't agree to do more than kiss a bit with him. i'm happy i stopped kissing him. i'm happy i said what i said when i said. i'm happy with everything regarding myself.

so total self acceptance makes you feel happy. even if your situation makes your head explode from so much thoughts. head explode. boom.

i still think i'm gay. first time reaction plus the fact of bad taste plus the fact of not too much of attractive body all equal to my reaction.

but i still think i'm gay.

what a day what a day.

..........................

dor is probably the least of my problems and maybe not but still he is one of my problems because he is depressed and he is not seeking help from me and he is not interested enough with my problems and i don't feel like that's how our friendship should be.

...........................

25 more days. or something like that.

what seems right to me now is just leave the romanticsexual thing alone for a while. it just seems right for some reason.

or maybe it isn't and it's just my vomit still wanting to come out.

naaa it isn't that dramatic.