work work work
2004-12-17 12:28 p.m.

i'm hardly ever calm without fatigue being the cause of it. and when you think of it being tired is not a form of being calm.

i drop things all the time. i don't look at my hands when i'm doing something. i don't look at the ground when i'm walking. i listen to a person with full concentration without thinking about something else or having the urge to say something.

i can't read a book for more than half an hour. i can't type 2 sentences without having to recorrect my typing.

i have a consant urge to have a bit of something even when i'm not hungry.

i keep moving my leg.

i find it hard to just lye on my couch and listen to music.

i lose things all the time. i lost my cellphone this week.

i can't make myself live up to the decisions i decide. i play minesweeper all the time just because i'm addicted.

it's not THAT bad. but alongwith my annoying ego, it's one of the big things which i feel is eating its way through my true happiness, and is preventing from being really strong.

calmness is power.

i really want to work on it, but i'm not really sure how. being calm is hardly seems like a thing which i can decide on, it's more complicated than that.

maybe more sports. okay i'll start running. i need more rational ideas.

i would go to meditation things if i didn't feel as if all those places are just looking to con me out of my money.

i'm no sure if con is a word.

but ( i erased 'but' 4 times before i wrote it right ) if awareness of the problem is half way from solving it, then there you go : i'm aware of my ego, and my weak un-calmness.

who said i have nothing to work on myself anymore? not i.