back from india, nepal, mynamar and thailand. home yet again?
2006-10-03 11:44 p.m.

off the plane, after 9 months, back at home, get out of the airplane, pass immigration, hope you had a nice flight, pick your luggage, meet your father, drive the way back home, no worries you haven't forgotten how to drive, and nothing changed, everything is the same, maybe a new road sign here and there, and you look inside, and it feels like the outside decides the inside, an no worries you probably haven't changed too.

so you go, and spend 5 minutes carassing your favorite cat, oh yulia how i love you, and meet your friends and family, and everything is known, and it's so known it's strange, it's so unexciting it's repulsive, though warmly enveloping, and then you look back

and the whole thing, the whole bloody 9 months spent in far off lands, seeing what this bloody world has to offer, the whole gammot of bloody good people i met on the way, all the changes i thought took place inside of me, all the times i longed so much to be at home, all the squat toilets, and now you're shitting on your own toilet at home, and jacking off to some porn, and the only thing that proves something has happened is that you're searching for porn with thai guys, like one of those movies where the kid gets back to real life and nobody will believe his magical adventures in narnia, neverland or whatever, but he still has that ring he managed to take from the other world, a secret but lonely proof of a strange mystical reality, yeah, it's like that with jacking off to pictures of thai guys.

and when you look at the past, and it seems to have been nothing like a day dream, you have to, simply have to, think what it means about the present, and whatever thought might arise from that about the present, inevitably will effect and mold the future, and cliches put aside, it's pretty mindfuckingly overwhelming.

overwhelmingly meaningless?

but hey, let's take our time and reflect, a few days, months, and really let the changes that have happened to seep into the veins, and not judge the meaning ( or lack of ) of life by some momentary numbness of feeling, okay?

no rush.

do you hear me anyway? are you listening?