crashes, honesty, and silliness.
2001-09-12 1:48 a.m.

you might hate me after this entry. you might petronize or condescend me. i don't think you should.

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im walking on the thin line between hypocrisy, righteousness, shock, and cynical evilness.

we were in the middle of the psychometric course, 30 kids sitting in class. and then the rumors started coming : " bomb in new york " , "world war III", "airplane crashes" , and such were being passed from one to the other.

my initial reaction wasn't sadness, wasn't horror, it was excitement. it was adrenalin.

then we had recess, and everyone was walking down the stairs talking about it, and we asked this woman how many people were killed, and she said she heard it was tens of thousands, maybe even a hundrend thousand.

i didn't believe her for a second, but still my reaction wasn't sadness. it wasn't horror. it was excitement. it was adrenalin.

and i knew then that it all means that there are many many people dead, many many lifes shattered, many many sad things, but i didn't feel it. i just thought of the fact of the twin towers collapsing in the middle of manhattan, with disbelief. that it was just like a movie.

i know its wrong. i want to make it clear ( also to myself ) , i would NEVER, but NEVER, wish for anything like this to happen. NEVER. but my gut feeling tells me differently, my gut feeling tells me that the more disasters happening the better. but my common reason is stronger. my common reason can't control my gut feelings, but it can control my end decisions and wishes. that's the plain hierarchy of it.

then i walked around some more, and met my friend nir walking his dog, and he told me all the details he knew. and we can't hide anything from each other.

so he told me about it, about how the enormous buildings just collapsed, how it was incredible, unbelievable. and if i told him i thought it was horrible it would be stupid. cause we both felt excited. cause we both knew the horror of it, but we both had this feeling of "this is huge". we weren't joyfull, but smiles of awe and humor about what happened did pass between us.

then i returned to my class. and i know i wasn't the only one who felt that way. nobody was sad. everybody was either totally uninterested, or excited. (human nature perhaps?)

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this conversation amused me terribly:

me : (not knowing both towers collapsed yet): " so what will they call the tower which didn't collapse? cause they were the twin towers, cause there was two, but now there's only...... will it be the 'twin tower' or maybe the 'orphan tower'?"

person sitting next to me : "hehehehe. and what about the pentagon? will its name be changed after losing one part as a result of the crash from 'pentagon' to 'non-geometric undefinable shaped building' ? "

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i know. it's cold and its cynical, and its wrong. but that's how i feel. i'm sorry about all the people who died, im sorry about everything, but i don't feel it. i feel something else entirely.

and i dont consciously want to wake up tommarow morning to see in the news "the us has striked an attack on iraq with a multi-powerful bomb which killed millions", cause i don't think that will be the humane solution, but my gut feeling tells me otherwise. my gut feeling wants fucking action. i wont listen to it.

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but actually after 10 hours or so of having to fake "god its terrible" with people, the excitement changed to numbness and dumbness.

still , if i said i felt horrified it would be hypocrisy at its best.

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laying on the grass. seeing through windows the blue haze of tv's on at 1:00 a.m., the blue haze of news headlines and pictures of buildings collapsing in a city thousands of thousands of miles away from me.

laying on the grass with my headphones on, hearing pj sing to me. looking above at the sky, at the patterns of the clouds.

can you blame me for finding it all a bit silly? i mean life and everything in general. i don't know what i mean actually.

people dying, buildings crumbling, and the only thing that really bothers me is a dull telephone conversation with dor. silly.

watching panic pictures on cnn, and my cat licks my hand. silly.

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quote of the day : "FIRST we take manhattan. THEN WE TAKE BERLIN".

i didn't know that terrorist leaders such as osama ben laden liked hearing leonard cohen!!! very surprising i tell you.